Anger destroyed

-My personal relationships
-My mental capacity
-My communication skills
-Self-esteem
-Career
-Self-control

After graduating high school I started my journey on young adult hood. Not sure of where I was going but I had an idea that I would accomplish my goals someway somehow. As years went by I realized I wasn't going as fast as I would like. GRADUATION came and went and I was on to the next goal. THEN LIFE HIT ME. Things started going left. My relationships started going downhill, not to add, I was indecisive as far as career wise. MY health was on the line and my stubbornness wasn’t any help. It just got matters more difficult in my life. As I continued my endeavors, and my Vision was coming to life, I noticed something. I was not fully satisfied with the progress that I have made since following my goals. Not taking into consideration the things that hindered me, or may have pulled me back, I realized there's three important things that is NECESSARY in life. These three things are needed to make my life to make things clearer to myself and as a help to others as well; Time, Temperance, and Transparency. 
Growing up as an American, Land of equality and freedom I realized there is no sense of individuality. I know I was not built to be a carbon copy of someone else or a meme unless it was something to guide me to my own personal goals. I WAS NOT FEELING my identity come to life, a sense of authenticity and transparency. I cannot say it was a crisis because I knew who I was and what I wanted. 

But what I did notice is God used me to bring others to light. So, as I was trying to figure out why I could not see my own vision I had the help I just was once again stubborn to see that I was home. My sense of trust and balance was diminishing because I lacked a sense of control. So, I made it my business, it was imperative that I take back my authority in my life and control little by little.  

As I started to become more content with my process, reality came into play. Although I knew I isolated myself in order to get better, focus more on me, figure out where my life was heading in the real world, it didn't quite HIT me. One day I was standing outside and saw a friend, more like a friend of a friend. As I stood there I thought to myself, life didn't stop going, people haven't stopped moving. I was being distracted for a sense of being. I knew friends and family moved on, but I really realized this is My LIFE passing by my eyes. I had no one in my corner and life changes didn't allow my motivation to kick in like it always did in the past. part of life was different for me, making decisions and being productive wasn't just it. If I was going to be good enough at this thing called success I needed a sense of consistency.  Temperance was what I was missing in my life.

I see my friends and family growing in their careers, people are building families and homes and I was still trying to figure out what's next! I see children I used to know grow up right pass my eyes. NO one ever told me once you hit the real world that was it, you have to figure out what you want to do from there. I always had it mapped out, but life is not always like that. Sometimes it is necessary to get your feet wet. 

So now I'm here trying to put a time and date on everything, my personal relationships, my finances, my future family and it just won't work. Why is it that what I'm doing won't work? The real world doesn't tell you that they're helping you now. It's their turn to give you the answers. You put in the work, fighting for things to work out all your life, now allow things to come to you. 

I decided to fast, gave up certain things in my life just so I can’t hear clearer. I see a change but I realized I wasn’t doing this for me. So now I’m more frustrated than ever been receiving answers that weren't for me! I don't have Time I need answers! 

What has kept my sane all this time is keeping my eye on Christ regardless of my circumstance, he has been my savior every time. I can't speak for everyone else, but I know it worked for me.

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God said make time! I got in a good space removed things I no longer will tolerate. THEN I got hit with another test. After removing all the bad things out of my life and ignoring it with every bone in my body, I had to face them little by little. I picked up every old habit, but that was my opportunity to show how time, temperance, and transparency works in my life daily. This transition in my life has been very intense, I never felt so much emotion in my life that I could no longer bottle up. And this was all in the mist of looking for answers to life, unbelievable!

When they said what goes around comes around I didn't think they meant it. I mean good deeds use to come left and right.  I was now giving my all and not seeing any results. My language of confirmation no longer existed. I thought giving your all, to someone else was the right thing to do. That was my mistake, they explain how life benefits others at your expense, but never mentioned to keep some for yourself. 

With life they are choices, whether you like them or not.  Although we are taught we are free to make choices on our own, making those choices determined whether after that fork in the road will you follow the road on the left or just follow everyone else to the right. Difficult decisions determined lifelong lessons. Transparency is something that is naturally shown, with making these decisions knowing who you are always works with quick thinking. Who are you, is this something you will continuously tolerate in your life, and at the end of the day how does it make you feel?

After time felt so empty inside, I have given what I felt was my all to the world for them to tell me that everything that I have worked for doesn’t belong to me. That was real! I said to myself I couldn't believe what was happening. How strong can you be in situations like that? The things that brought us together I no longer have possession over. All that time I was compensated for had been taking back, and i felt like I deserved more.

Everything was going on at once and Time was not on my side! 

It was so weird, I found myself to be, a beautiful, nice, strong, sweet, humble individual and did not recognize who she was. I don’t think I recognized her because the timing was off. Although i started paying more attention to myself, so much that in my mind, transparency didn't allow me to remember who that person was. I was caught up in my anger and frustration of my life not doing what I wanted that those great attributes I instilled, I wouldn't allow to come out until I was ready to do so!
Unfortunately life doesn't work that way and neither does transparency. LIFE NEEDED MORE ME AND NEEDED IT NOW! 

As I carried all of these burdens thinking someone will know my pain and lift the weight, it never came off! In my occupation I watch people come and go as they please, life beat them up the same way and they just kept it moving. I was floored by the strength they took on every single day to be normal in such a busy world. 

A light bulb went off, they needed more of me, so God directed them to people more like me. I meet people every day different cultures and my words of kindness that I felt when I met certain individuals gave me the permission to lift off each burden little by little. I asked myself what did people see in me, they never say. More importantly is what I seen in myself, I no longer had that confirmation that My Way was the RIGHT way.

This life exposed me to things unknown and unheard of. It made me believe that it supported me, not knowing it was calmly rejecting me every chance it had. LIFE was draining me from all my energy and I held on for dear life and had no plans on letting go. 

Transparency was getting clearer to me through my journey. Nothing is worse than being a fly on the wall. It leaves no room for imagination, and life is like a written book. You have no thrill, no excitement, it's just like reading the end before you even started. I was not going to live my life like a blueprint of someone else's hand writing.